Ganondorf Hates Palutena
by GengarFan3
Summary: Ganondorf is sick of being shipped with Palutena, so he drags Pikachu, Ryu, and Samus into the most pointless RPG adventure ever in order to stop the madness. He clearly can't take other people's opinions. Ganon's like someone from GameFAQs, only worse.


**Chapter 1: Ganondorf's Fed Up**

It was your typical day at the Smasher's Palace. Er, it was your typical morning, at least. The rest of the day was far from normal.

"That's it! I'm fed up with this shit!" Ganondorf shouted from inside his bedroom, which was also Bowser's and Mewtwo's room.

"Geez, what's up your butt, Ganon?" Mewtwo asked.

"I'm just sick of being shipped with that damn Palutena," Ganondorf said.

"... Since when were you ever shipped with that woman?"

"More importantly, why are you getting upset over something so minor? You sound like a salty twelve year old brat right now," Bowser commented.

"Shut it, pathetic excuse for a villain!" the Demon King yelled.

"So, what do you plan on doing about it, wise guy?" Mewtwo inquired.

"I'm going to... find out on what I should do about it!" Ganon said, rushing out of the room.

"Idiot," Mewtwo grumbled.

 **XxXx**

"Go fish," Pikachu said to Lucas. The two of them were playing Go Fish inside the main lobby of the Smasher's Palace, with Ness and Duck Hunt Dog watching them play.

"God fucking damn it!" Lucas shouted with extra edge in his voice.

"Sheesh, watch your mouth, bud!" Pikachu warned. "Ever since you started hanging around with that Dark Pit, you've been a complete edgehead! Has that punk been teaching you stuff you shouldn't know?"

"N-no! Just shut the fuck up!" the PK boy stammered, slamming his fists on the table.

"Normally, I'd ask what the hell is up with the blonde piece of shit, but I have way more important things to worry about," Ganondorf said as he entered the lobby.

"Who cares about what your problems, old man?" Ness insulted.

"You will, after I kick your ass!" Ganon threatened. Ness gulped, not wanting to get beaten up by this loser, even if he was low tier.

"What's your problem anyways, Ganondorf?" Pikachu asked.

"Idiots keep shipping me with Palutena through fanfiction, and I want the bull crap to end!"

"You know, people ship you with her because they think you look cute as a couple," the Mouse Pokémon stated. "Can't you just accept that? And you realize that you may be hurting their feelings by saying stuff like that?"

"Does it look like I care about their feelings?!" Ganondorf argued, making a the "Does this look unsure to you?" face.

"No, but you should," Pikachu sighed in defeat. "At either point, there is one and only one way to end the shipping."

"Really?! How?!" Ganon excitedly asked.

"You must find the Legendary Pokémon Jirachi, one of the rarest of all Pokémon in existence," Pikachu claimed. "You must then awaken it, and then it will grant you any one wish."

"Holy shit, that's sounds wonderful! And since you seem to know so much about this thing, you're going to journey with me to find it!"

"Hey, I never said I would do that!" Pikachu groaned as Ganon picked him up and ran towards the front exit of the palace.

"Well, do you want to play Go Fish with me, Lucas old pal?" Ness asked his once best friend.

"Hell no, I'm going to go drink some Capri Sun!" Lucas said edgily.

"No! Capri Sun is illegal! Oh, what has happened to my best bud!" Ness cried out.

 **XxXx**

Lucario and Ryu were both fighting on the Batttlefield stage, specifically the 3DS edition. Charizard and Lucina were watching the match from the stands in the meantime.

"Hadoken!" Ryu shouted, launching his signature attack right towards the Aura Pokémon, who dodged with relative ease. Lucario makes crushing rocks seem like such a breeze. He makes crushing rocks seem such a breeze! He's big, he's- OK, enough with the DK Rap nonsense.

"What the heck? You're like the human version of me!" Lucario said in awe.

"Correction: you're like the human version of me," Ryu claimed.

"... That's exactly what I said," Lucario replied.

"I know! I said it because I'm stupid! Speaking of which, I forget what we were doing: were we eating pineapples or were we making babies?"

"Someone's very OOC," the Aura Pokémon sighed.

"Hey plebs!" Ganon squealed, leaping onto the stage with Pikachu in his right hand.

"Calls everyone a pleb when you were the lowest tier character in Brawl. How clever of you to say," Lucario commented.

"Seriously, were we making babies?" Ryu asked again.

"Shut it, or I'll hit you with an Aura Sphere!"

"Why do I even bother with you people sometimes..." Ganondorf muttered. "Anyways, who wants to join me on my quest to find Jirachi, the Wish Pokémon?!" Everyone except for Pikachu and Ryu left the scene, leaving the Demon King all by himself.

"Hooray, I win!" the Street Fighter cheered.

"Oh gods... OK idiot, what do you want in return?"

"You never asked me for anything in return!" Pikachu shouted.

"Well... I have always wanted to see my mother," Ryu quietly answered.

"Wait... what?" Ganondorf asked, actually somewhat curious about this.

"You see... my mother died right after my birth. Like, the instant I came into this cruel, harsh world we somehow can fucking call home. I just want to see her, to know what she looks like." Pikachu began to bawl while Ganon himself was even fighting back tears.

"H-hey, Pikachu, do you think this Jirachi character will grant us multiple wishes?"

"M-m-maybe, if we trick it into doing so," Pikachu sniffled.

"S-sounds good to me, I guess," Ganondorf said. "Come on, big guy Ryu. We need to get one last person and pack up our things."

"You guys go ahead. I'll meet up with you in a few minutes," Ryu told the two. They both shrugged before running back towards the palace, leaving the fighter all by his lonesome, who began to laugh as soon as they left. "Ha! Those dweebs actually bought that lie! Wow, and I thought I was a moron!"

 **XxXx**

"Ah, nothing beats a day like this, eh Samus?"

"You bet, Zelda. The only thing that could ruin a day like this is if some random moron came out of nowhere and said something incredibly insane!"

"Hiiiiiiiiii Samus!" Ryu awkwardly started. "Do you want to be my lover?"

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Samus and Zelda both screamed in complete horror.

"Damn it Ryu, you're supposed to ask her if she wants to be my lover! Now you ruined the joke!" Ganon scolded the fighter.

"Hey, Ganondork! What the hell do you want?!" Samus groaned, already over the scare she got.

"You're coming with us to look for the Legendary Pokémon Jirachi, who was the power to grant wishes!" Ganon said.

"And why would I come along with you of all people?"

"So that you could get rid of Ridley and the rest of those Space Pirates for once and for all? Don't tell me you seriously don't want that!" Samus' immediately changed her mind at that thought.

"Alright loser, but don't try anything perverted or else you will die!" the bounty hunter threated as she walked back to the palace.

"Or else you will die... where did I hear that quote from before?" Ganondorf thought.

"DIE!" CD-I Ganon shouted as he came out of nowhere and began to fire lightning bolts from his hand.

"Oh sweet mother of Pingas, not fucking CD-I!" Ganondorf cried while he, Ryu, and Zelda ran around the garden of the Smasher's Palace, trying to avoid CD-I Ganon's wrath. Meanwhile, a large, winged creature watched them from the roof of the palace itself.

"I thought we were friends... looks like the gloves are off."

 **XxXx**

"Well losers, it looks like we're ready to march out into this world!" Ganondorf said with major excitement. The quartet stood outside the gates of the Smash Grounds, ready to make their way towards a grand and idiotic adventure.

"What about Master Hand? Won't he realize that we're gone?" Samus asked worryingly.

"Don't worry, I took care of that mother fucker... painfully."

"Ganon, don't tell me you literally killed Master Hand!" Pikachu screamed.

"Hell no!" Ganondork said in defense. "I just forced that ass to watch all of the Metal Gear Solid cut scenes!"

"IT BURNS! IT'S TOO DAMN LONG, SEVEN OUT OF TEN!" Master Hand screamed in pain, which echoed across the land.

"So, where are we going first?" Samus wondered.

"First, we need to find out where on Earth Master Derp has that one portal to the Pokémon world!" Ganonpork claimed.

"That's easy!" Pikachu noted. "The problem is getting to it..."

"Why's that, magic wizard snake?" Ryu asked in the stupidest way possible.

"Because it's beyond the Assist Trophy Hill, Meta Crystal Caverns, and Beta Stage Greens, three of the most dangerous places throughout the entire Smash World!" the mouse informed the stupid man.

"Oh boy, this is going to be one hell of a trip..." Ganon groaned. "But damn, it will be worth it!"

"Are you sure about that, Garbagedorf? We could get killed through this!" Samus wanred the idiot king. "Well, you could, at least..."

"Shut it, missy! I have the power of Kakarot!"

"You have the power of a carrot?" Ryu teased.

"No, Kakarot!"

"You just denied that you have the power of a carrot, yet you confirm it a second later? What's wrong with you?" At this point, Samus and Pikachu couldn't help but snicker at this.

"KAKAROT! THAT MEANS MY POWER LEVEL IS OVER 9000!"

"Oh gee, over 9000 fucking carrots. Still not powerful."

"I feel highly offended by this," one of the living carrots from the "Palutena's Revolting Dinner" short commented before getting eaten alive by Pikachu.

"Alright, I'm not even going to bother, since I now know that you're just doing this to troll with me, and not because you're stupid," Ganondorf grumbled. "Let's move, dweebs."

"Whatever, bitch," Samus sighed as everybody but Ganon started moving ahead.

"Hold it! Where do you think you're going, punks?!"

"Uh, straight towards Assist Trophy Hill, duh!" Pikachu stated.

"Hell no, not without carrying me there! No way am I letting my feet get tired from all that damn walking!" the Demon King complained.

"... Wimp," Pikachu said as the rest of the group marched towards the destination.

"Wait! Get the hell... oh, what point is it?"

 **XxXx**

In the depths of space, a lone Luigi-like robot zoomed through, rolling up and down and all around at the speed of sound because Wynaut told it to. Awkward, but true.

"Ahh hell yeah! Mr. L has somehow become his own character!" a voice shouted inside the robot, clearly belonging to Luigi's dark side.

"I'd like to know how that logic works," Lisia, Mr. L's prisoner, said.

"Hey, if that overrated Sheik can be her own character, then so can I!" Mr. L claimed. "Or is Sheik a he?"

"Gods, are you people seriously still wondering about that whole gender thing?!" Lisia groaned. "I swear, my faith in humanity is dropping by the day."

"Will you be quiet?! I have to keep an eye on this thing!"

"This fanfiction is feature length!" a random voice from outside the robot shouted.

"Lord almighty no, it's that creepy Expand Dong weirdo who appeared in the WAA Weirdos Emissary story!" Mr. L screeched. Right after he said that, the back wall of the robot randomly exploded.

"Great, now the fourth and back wall has been broken," Lisia muttered while the two floated out of the robot's remains. "Not to mention that was clear advertisement. You should be ashamed of yourself, LucarioFan3!"

"I know, and I'm not," LF3 smirked while riding the back of a nearby comet.

"Now I need to rebuild my brilliant Brobot! Fucking wonderful!" the ever edgy Mr. L whined like a two year old. "Hmm... how to put him back together in the laziest way possible..."

"Well, you could just search for the wish granting Pokémon, Jirachi," the Pokémon Contest star suggested.

"Hey, good idea, slutty weeaboo!" the edgehead said. "Now I'm going to have to take you with me to find that damn thing!"

"... I have a hard time deciding what would be worse: hanging with you for Arceus knows how long, or drifting around in space for the rest of my life, which I am hoesntly surprised hasn't ended yet due to the lack of oxygen... scratch that, hanging out with you is worse."

 **XxXx**

"Wait up, plebs!" Ganondorf huffed as he dragged himself across a wide, open field. "Do you guys use steroids or some shit to go that fast?!"

"No, we're just not ugly, old men," Pikachu snorted.

"Wow, that truly was rude! And inaccurate! I'm only a few centuries old, it's not like I'm prehistoric or something, rodent!" Ganon scolded.

"He's right, it is inaccurate. He's an ugly, really old man," Samus joked. Steam was literally fuming out of the Gerudo's ears, and he was about to kill someone had a certain voice not shouted seconds after the steam started leaking out.

"Look out, here comes an enemy!" Ryu screeched. A large, red insect with a long, black cannon quickly crawled towards the gang and initiated a RPG battle.

*Try, Try Again from Mario and Luigi: Dream Team starts playing*

A wild Insectank appeared!

Ganondorf: Why are we in a RPG battle?

Pikachu: And what's with this hideous dialogue?

Samus: Let's focus on that later and just attack the blasted thing so we can get this damn battle over with.

Ryu: Lemme attack first!

Ryu used Give The Enemy A Bunch Of Useful Items!

Pikachu: Ryu, what have you done?! Now we're going to lose!

Ganondorf: Don't worry, I have an ultimate attack ready!

Samus: Don't just stand there, dunce! Go and attack the bloody creature!

Ryu: Bloody hell!

Pikachu: Ryu, there's a time and place for quotes, but not now!

Ganondorf started charging up Warlock Punch!

Samus: Great, an attack that requires charging up! How long do we have to wait until he attacks?!"

 **Three Days Later...**

Samus: Maybe I should have just kept my mouth shut.

Pikachu: I find it very strange how the enemy hasn't launched some sort of attack itself during this time.

Ryu: Have you two not been paying attention to what it has been doing since the start of the battle? It has been charging up some sort of attack from the very beginning!

Insectank used Super Mega Beam! 999 damage to Ganondorf!

Ganondorf: He dares... to defeat me? He must... die...

Ganondorf fainted!

Ryu: If only Goombario was here! He'd tell us what his Power Level and all that crap is!

Pikachu: I can at least check his Defense and Health... using a weak attack!

Pikachu used Quick Attack! 1 damage to Insectank!

Insectank: I feel squished... like a little bug...

Insectank fainted!

*Victory Fanfare form Final Fantasy plays*

Wild enemy was defeated!

Pikachu gained 12 experience! Woah there! Pikachu went up to Level 2, despite the fact that you have to be Level 2 to even be a Pikachu to being with! Pikachu's Health went up by 4! Attack by 1! Defense by 0! Special Attack by 5! Special Defense by 1! Speed by 3! Luck by 1!

Ryu gained 12 experience!

Samus gained 12 experience!

Ganondorf gained none because he fainted.

You found a Reviver Seed! You also found a Speed Buff! You also found Lamp Oil! You gained $4 dollars!

"Seriously?" Pikachu wondered. "I did one bit of damage to him and he fainted! Even Pokémon has better logic than this."

"I think we should do something about Ganondank over here!" Ryu shouted, standing over the poor Demon King.

"I would help, but I don't know how to access the items, since this is somehow a freaking videogame!" Pikachu yelled back. That's when a dark void appeared next to the mouse. All conscious heroes ran away from the portal as a man older and uglier than Ganondweeb came out of it.

"Hello," the old man cackled, approaching Samus while doing so. "Persona Persona Persona..." He was now wiggling his long, disturbing nose right up against Samus' face. "SOCIAL LINKS, SOCIAL LINKS, SOCIAL LINKS, SOCIAL LINKS!"

"Well, that totally wasn't a reference to anything!" Pikachu groaned.

"Er, uh, my manners," the old man started.

"You have more than one manor? For someone hideous, you must be rich!" Ryu randomly said.

"Quiet!" a certain yellow mouse ordered.

"Uhhhh... well then! My name is Igor, from Persona 4!" the old man continued. "I need to stop rubbing my big nose into people's faces before I tell them my name..."

"Can you just tell us why you're even here?" Samus questioned, getting rather suspicious of this character.

"Ah, yes! I am here to guide you through the game!" Igor grinned.

"As long as you're not as bad as Fi from Skyward Sword, you're more than welcome to," Pikachu said with a smile.

"Bah! Why be as bad when you could be worse!" Igor chuckled evilly.

"Shit, shit, shit," Samus cursed. "Of all bad luck!"

"Now, first, I need to teach you how to transverse the overworld!"

"We already know how to do that!" Ryu commented. "Well, I don't..."

"We've been traveling across this damn world for fifteen minutes and you still have no fucking clue on how to move across the GOD DAMN OVERWORLD?!" the bounty hunter shouted, her voice sounding rather warped and demented.

"I was too busy looking up "The Little Panda Fighter" to pay attention to what we were doing!"

"Why must he mention Video Brinquedo of all things, why?!" Pikachu cried.

"As much as I hate to break up this act of ignorance over here, but it appears your friend is in trouble!" Igor claimed. Pointing over to Ganondorf, the gang's eyes noticed that he was surrounded by four Poochyena, all of which were looking very hungry. "Looks like this will give me the perfect battle to waste all of next chapter to hold your hands through!"

"PLEASE NO!" Pikachu and Samus shouted. Ryu didn't shout because he was too busy licking his foot.


End file.
